The Sense Appeal Blog

Excess vs. Awareness

2012-02-23T08:37:00.001-08:00

My coworker, a nice-enough guy in his mid-60s, looks down at the take-out breakfast box in front of me. “Mmm, that looks good! What’s in there?” he asks.

“Eggs, potatoes, spinach, mushrooms, avocado, onion, tomato…a bunch of good stuff…” I reply.

“No meat?!”

My face scrunches, and I shake my head like a dog shaking the water off after a bath. “No,” I say, “I don’t eat that nonsense.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I started to second-guess them. I wasn’t intending to attack or to come across as an “elitist” non-meat-eater; I was simply trying to communicate that I choose not to include meat in my diet.

He proceeds to tell me about how, “When I lived in Alaska, there was this restaurant that served a 40-ounce steak. If you could eat it all, with all the fixins’, in a certain time period, they’d give it to you for free!” as if I’d be impressed. In an attempt to be funny, he says, “I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food pyramid to not!”

Something inside tells me to just sit quietly and allow him to go about on his merry way, but he doesn’t move. He just stands there, waiting for me to respond.

“Right. ‘Claw my way.’ Factory farms make that pretty easy,” I say, hoping he’ll get the point. “Did you ever eat the whole steak?” I ask.

“Yeah, once. I’ll tell you what, you’re definitely full by the time you get through with that one!”

I retort, “You’re probably full much before you get through with it. I believe in everything in moderation. I just try to listen to my body to give it what it needs.”

He pipes up, “Well, I believe in everything to the extreme. If something is good in small amounts, it’s even better in extreme amounts! That’s what life’s all about!”

It pains me to realize that he’s not being sarcastic. This guy really does believe that over-indulgence is “what life’s all about.” It’s not about eating meat or not eating meat; it’s about excessiveness. And then it hits me: this guy is the norm. Our society is bulging—literally—with people who have been conditioned to accept excessive as adequate. Without context, this isn’t inherently “good” or “bad.” But the fact of the matter is that we do have context: look at how this influences our diets, our work, our relationships…all aspects of our lives. As a society, we are overweight and under-nutritioned; over-stressed and under-nurtured; missing deep, meaningful connections with others. Why? Because there’s no balance. Because we’d rather indulge in the excess than in the practice of presence and awareness.

Living in excess is a scapegoat for paying attention, and so many people do it because paying attention takes work; in this day in age, where we expect convenience and immediate gratification, who wants to work? These things take discipline and resolve to begin, if not only because of the decades of social conditioning we’ve accepted as “normal.” We’re so far removed from staying present and conscientious that it’s become hard to even recognize what it even means to take care of ourselves and others.

In a happy, healthy world, life is not all about living in excess. It’s about living in balance, and that balance begins with awareness.

He With the Most Flexibility Controls the System

2012-02-14T09:49:00.001-08:00

One of the basic presuppositions of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (a presupposition is something we believe to be true—or are willing to treat as true—because it results in the best possible outcome; in a clinical setting, these presuppositions essentially create a philosophical model from which empowering changes in attitude, belief, or behavior can emerge) is that “he with the most flexibility controls the system.”

What this means is that whomever is willing to be most adaptive is the one who is most likely to achieve a positive outcome. Being adaptive is not the same thing as being reactive. When you’re adaptive, you shift your mindset to see things from a different perspective; when you’re reactive, you’re really just going along with the motions.

We see lack of flexibility and lack of adaptability all around us. It’s what causes fights in our relationships, unhappiness in our jobs, and frustration with change in general. Have you ever noticed that the happiest people are the ones who can most easily go-with-the-flow, and who see change as an opportunity instead of an obstacle? It’s not because they were born superhuman happy beings; it’s because they have found an effective way to engage with life: as adaptive instead of reactive.

How do you know if you’re being reactive instead of adaptive? Here are some signs:

Reactive: Feel annoyed, frustrated, or angry -- Adaptive: Feel compelled, confident, or optimistic
Reactive: Complaining about “the system” -- Adaptive: Being active and engaged in “the system”
Reactive: Focus on the negatives -- Adaptive: Focus on the positives
Reactive: Obstacles -- Adaptive: Opportunities
Reactive: Feel like the “victim” -- Adaptive: Getting the results you want

“Reactive” is not a final prognosis; you can change from being reactionary to being adaptable by paying attention to how your respond to situations and choosing to do so differently. Realizing that it is a choice is key. If you’re not happy about something (especially something involving change), first recognize that you can choose to see it another way; then ask yourself, “What’s another way to see this, and how might I benefit from doing so?” Then—and this is the key—change your behavior to match the new mindset. It might feel like “faking it ‘til you make it” for a while, and that’s OK; in short time, you will begin to notice that your newfound flexibility results in a much more desirable outcome.

Q&A: Micropenis

2012-02-05T17:28:00.000-08:00

Q:

A bit embarrassed but here goes:

I am 195 lbs, former college football player who has stayed in shape with lifting weights and running. I am also "short" where it counts (like 2.5 hard inches). Even so, I have a "fairly good" sex life. I am good at oral and using my fingers to get her off. The one position that works for me is her on top and grinding on my pubes. Anal works most of the time if I hold her tight so she doesn't lunge forward. We just want to know if there is something new you guys know of that we can try.

Otherwise, she and I have been to several nudist resorts and I am not too shy about my size since pool water makes most guys shrink a little.

A:

It sounds like you are fairly well adjusted and comfortable with who you are, so I begin with a “kudos to you!” for that. You’re at least one step ahead of the game, considering that the biggest hurdle to overcome when dealing with these sorts of concerns is usually self acceptance.

“We just want to know if there is something new you guys know of that we can try.”

If you are referring to trying to alter the size of your penis, there are at least a couple of important things to keep in mind: Surgical methods of penile enlargement remain controversial and are characterized by an unacceptably high rate of complications, and non-surgical methods are highly popularized by the media but often lack scientific evidence. I’ve come across only a single peer-reviewed article (Oderda & Gontero, 2011) that briefly analyses the efficacy and scientific background of such non-surgical methods of penile lengthening. This article found that “penile extenders represent the only evidence-based technique of penile elongation... making these traction devices an ideal first-line treatment option for patients seeking a penile lengthening procedure.”

If you research online, you will likely come across numerous ads for these “penis stretchers.” They claim to work by applying continuous stretch to the penis over an extended period of time, causing microscopic tears in the tissue that “grow” the penis when the body repairs them. Because there is so little evidence to support these claims, and because your primary concern seems to be about function over form, my personal recommendation is to forego trying to change your penis size and instead focus on experimenting with new sexual tools and techniques in your relationship.

If penetration is important to you and your partner (and I stress the “if,” because plenty of women prefer oral and/or manual stimulation over penile penetration), consider trying a strap-on, or a penis extension (which is essentially a hollow strap-on) or penis sleeve. If you are concerned about “slipping out” during penetrative sex but don’t want to use one of these enhancement tools, have your partner remain on top and gyrate back and forth in circles instead of up and down. If penetration is not your (or her) main concern, focus on foreplay (i.e. kissing, caressing, biting, etc.) and on stimulating her clitoris (manually or orally).

Oderda, M., & Gontero, P. (2011). Non-invasive methods of penile lengthening: fact or fiction? British Journal of Urology International, 107 (8), 1278-1282.

Match.com

2012-02-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

After consulting my very wise Facebook friends, I decided to take the dating world plunge and register on Match.com. I can tell already that this is going to be very...interesting.

Match provides a list of "top daily matches" based on some sort of fancy "intelligent matching technology." Right. I have an "intelligent matching technology" of my own; it's called a gut reaction. You see, some of my friends think I'm too picky when it comes to finding a "mate" (I use the term loosely because I am interested in finding a partner, not a monkey with which to breed). There are times when I wonder if maybe they're right, and then I listen to people complain about their relationships and am reminded that being picky is a good thing. I bring a lot to the table, and I deserve not to settle. Interestingly, my gut reaction to a person has proven to be the #1 factor in my attraction to them. This, of course, takes physical attraction into account, but mostly it is an energetic reaction to someone's presence...and yes, I think I'm fairly good at getting an accurate gut reaction even over the internet.

The last man I dated before this online dating wackiness was so very much an example of the positive gut reaction. Although the context of our first meeting was for business, that attraction was so strong for me that he stayed in my mind for a long time after our initial brief exchange. After about a year and a half without contact, the stars aligned and enticed me to look up his phone number and ask him out. What's for certain is that the connection was still there. What's disappointing is that connection does not necessarily mean that both people will want to act on it. He chose to focus on being a busy lawyer and father, so we went separate ways after a couple short months.

So imagine, if you will, how funny it was for me to open up a number of my matches and find: 1) a defense lawyer; 2) a prosecutor; and 3) someone I'd already dated (very unsuccessfully, I might add) among the pages and pages of ungut-grabbing pictures. That's some "intelligent matching technology," Match.com!

A Tricky Thing About Relationships

2012-01-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

There’s a scene in the movie The Notebook in which Allie comes clean to Lon (her fiancé) about being in love with Noah (her true love). In context, Allie has just come back to Lon after spending a number of passionate days reconnecting with Noah; she is torn about what to do (to move forward with marrying Lon—the man she thinks she should marry—or to scrap the engagement and live a humble life with Noah—the love of her life). If this happened in real life, I think most people would label Allie a tramp and defend Lon’s position to throw her to the wolves. However, Lon’s response is profound: "The way I see it, I got three choices,” he says. “One, I can shoot him. Two, I can kick the crap out of him. Or three, I leave you. Well, all that's no good. You see, 'cause none of those options get me you." As much as Lon loves Allie, he realizes that her heart is with Noah. “I don’t want to have to convince my fiancé that she should be with me,” he says. And that’s profound, because love is not about trying to force someone’s cards.

In this emotional exchange, Lon teaches us a thing or two about love and relationships. One is that surrender, though one of the most difficult things to do, is sometimes what is necessary. He realized that it was counterproductive to effort at keeping Allie; that in order for her to be genuinely happy, he was going to have to let her go, even at the expense of his own dreams. But how do we rectify this with the approach that “you fight for what you want” or “you find a way to make it work?” The thing is, we can’t change other people, so “fighting for what you want” and “finding a way to make it work” are only possible in a relationship when both people come to the table with the intent to do so.

Intent is the key. I explained to someone recently, “When there’s no connection with someone, a million and one reasons why it should work won’t convince me to be with them; when there is a good connection with someone, a million and one reasons why it shouldn’t work won’t keep me away.” In other words, my foremost intent is to have a deep connection with someone (to be “on the same wavelength”), and everything beyond that (even the things that seem really big) are just details. These details are seemingly important ones, but in truth, they are usually just bullet points to support the predetermined logical assessments that I’ve made about given situations. In other words, we come to a conclusion first and then (usually subconsciously) look for proof that our conclusion is accurate. The first step in changing this pattern is to intend for it to be different; to want a different outcome; and then to say, “I’ve never done it this way before, but I’m going to give it a wholehearted shot, regardless of how illogical it sounds,” and then to do just that. Discontent is a companion to anyone whose intent of the mind overshadows the intent of the heart.

That said, you cannot change someone else’s intent. Tough as it may be, sometimes the most valuable thing we can do is to allow someone the space to determine it on their own, and then to be supportive of whatever they decide.

Knowing You're Alive: A Question for Self-Reflection

2012-01-25T06:52:00.000-08:00

In my life, I wear many hats…figuratively, mostly. For the last four years, one of those hats has been as a Crisis Responder for the Fire Department, which means that I am dispatched to 911 crisis calls that include fires, domestic violence, suicides, shootings, stabbings, codes (deaths), drownings, cuttings, etc. Sometimes I am able to walk away from a scene feeling confident that something good will emerge from an extremely difficult situation, such as when people survive or get access to the resources they need to move their lives forward in a positive direction. Other times, I walk away with heaviness on my heart and a profound longing for answers about the meaning of life. Last night was one of the latter. I left the scene of an overdose thinking about the dead bodies I see on a regular basis—about how very different they are from the living—and I wondered, “How do I know that I’m alive? How do I know that I’m any different than the lifeless body on the floor?” As an observer, the feeling between a live and a lifeless body is palpable; anyone who’s been to an open casket funeral can relate to the feeling of “the person just isn’t in the body anymore,” I’m sure. But as the agent—as the soul inside the body—how are you able to know the difference? One of my great research teachers used to probe us regularly, “What do we know, and how do we know it?” So I pose the question to you: If you know you’re alive, how do you know it?

After SWLC 2012 and the Dance of Souls

2012-01-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

I love Southwest Leather Conference (SWLC) for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that it’s held in my hometown (Phoenix). I enjoy conferences in other places around the country, but it’s always nice to feel “at home.” Aside from the location, SWLC really is “home” for me anyhow, because it is known as the intensely “woo” conference in the leather community. It’s focus is decidedly spiritual; about heart, connection, and deep meaning in the practices of BDSM.

Though the conference includes a variety of classes, workshops, and ceremonies, the highlight of the weekend is an event called the Dance of Souls. A historical perspective on the SWLC Dance of Souls can be found here.

This was not my first time being hooked in an ecstatic dance ritual, but the aftermath this time is certainly the most painful. It hurts to move, to swallow, to breathe…and as much as I’d like for something to take this pain away, I know this is part of my process. A lot of “stuff” can come up during these sorts of ritual ceremonies. Some people laugh hysterically, some flail wildly, some take on the persona of an animal, some cry and sob, some people experience nothing out of the ordinary; there’s really no predeterminable outcome or reasonable expectation that one will have any clue what they will experience until it happens.

The first time I “flew” (a term we use metaphorically to refer to our experience going somewhere “else”; somewhere other than the physical plane that most people accept as “real life,” much in the same way that meditation or mind-altering drugs facilitate) in a piercing energy ritual, I attributed much of my experience to having Cleo DuBois there to guide me. The Dance of Souls yesterday was the first time since then that I’ve been back in that “spontaneously releasing” (albeit heavy) space during a piercing/energy ritual (thanks to another guide: my great friend and mentor, Master Bert). The remnants of it are undeniable today; manifesting as physical pain like I haven’t experienced in years.

Though I’m certainly still processing, a number of realizations are becoming evident to me. One is that guides are important (and I’m not just talking about in piercing rituals). Mentors/guides/trusted teachers not only help by holding up reflective mirrors in our face, but they can also help by giving us that little (or big) nudge outside of our comfort zone, when necessary, that results in profound growth. I feel very blessed to have such wise, experienced, and in-tune teachers.

Next: It's all important; even the hard parts. Someone close to me asked (somewhat rhetorically), "...and you're going to do it again, won't you?" Yes, it is likely that I will do it again; not guaranteed, but likely. There's a reason for all of it, and as crappy as the process might be to get to it, I still believe it's valuable to do so. The physical pain sucks...badly (and in defense of the process, this is the first time I've experienced this sort of "fallout" from the ritual). But I'm also having some realizations about my tolerance for discomfort (both physical and emotional) that I'm fairly certain wouldn't have come about without this experience. The challenging irony that I'm having to face is that now, in the middle of me just wanting to be loved and taken care of, I feel more alone than ever. The pain (again, both physical and emotional) is mine, and I'm having to face that by myself, for reasons that are both unknown to me and disliked by me just the same. I think that it can be relatively easy to blame others for our emotional crap; to say, "I feel this way because somebody did X, Y, or Z to me," but when it's physical pain, it becomes much more difficult to displace (at least for me, because I don't often feel this sort of physical pain). In this particular situation, I haven't gotten to the inherent value in that ownership yet. I'm still just feeling like a victim and wanting someone to come to my rescue; the sorrow and sadness of knowing that that's not going to happen is not something that I experience often (at least not with this sort of in-my-face and in-my-heart boldness), so I'm doing my best to--as Pema Chodron says--"lean into the sharp points." Eventually (and hopefully sooner rather than later), I'll feel better again, and I'll be stronger and more aware because of this experience.

The Great Condom Debate

2012-01-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

I've heard a million and one excuses from men about why they don't wear condoms, and almost every single one makes me want to pound my head into a desk. But when it comes right down to it, I defend the position that it is your choice, not mine (unless you're a partner or potential partner, in which case it is my right to decide if and how I'm comfortable engaging with you sexually) or anybody else's.

There's a certain level of personal responsibility that comes along with being sexually active, and my hope is for people to be educated and empowered enough to make the decisions that are smartest for them.

In 9 of out 10 situations, I wouldn't even consider having sex without using a condom. But I've also been in committed relationships in which, though condom use would have been smarter, we made the educated decision to be fluid-bonded and not use them. Gasp! This was a very difficult decision for me at the time. "What do you mean, you don't want to use condoms?! Are you crazy?!" But the realization I came to is that if I am educated about the risks of unprotected sex and choose to engage sexually with a partner who is also educated about the risks of unprotected sex and chooses to engage as well, that is our choice.

The point at which this conversation gets tricky is at social responsibility. If we know (and we do) that certain types of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) increase the risks of infertility, cancers, and other big-ticket concerns, aren't we obligated to do our part to minimize them? The multitude of responses to that question throughout our society is exactly why there is such variation in behavior, and also why this often becomes a testy conversation.

In the case of Los Angeles County's current debate about condoms in the porn industry, the question is: how comfortable are we with the government managing our personal choices? Are we willing to give up some of our freedoms (e.g. freedom of choice) in exchange for a potentially healthier society? The porn industry is clear about their answer: "No!" Lawmakers are steadfast in theirs: "Absolutely!" Where do you fall on the spectrum?

Is That TRUE?

2012-01-18T06:55:00.001-08:00

“If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true were really true, there would be little hope of advance.” –Orville Wright

Every single day, without even realizing you’re doing it, you accept so many things as true that aren’t. You weren’t born believing the things you believe to be true; you learned to believe them. If that’s the case, then you can absolutely unlearn beliefs that don’t work for you. The problem is, most people say, “Well, I accept this as true because my experiences have shown it to be true.” Perhaps. Or maybe it was your way of perceiving the experiences that made it look like they were true. It’s easy to consider what we believe to be true as truth, and then to find evidence that validates our perceptions. But beliefs and truths are two very different beasts, and the sooner you accept this, the sooner you’ll begin making positive changes in your life.

I choose to believe that I can have and be anything I want—that is, anything that really resonates with who I am at the core; with who I am authentically. This is an important distinction, because sometimes people say, “I can’t make a million dollars!” and the thing I have to dig at is, “Is making a million dollars consistent with you who really are authentically, or is this something you’ve convinced yourself you want because it sounds good?” If the perceived-to-be impossible goal is congruent with who they really are, the problem isn’t that they’re incapable of achieving it; it’s that they believe it’s not possible. In order to make intentional changes in your physical experience, your belief system about what is true and possible HAS to change first.

Taking the "I" out of My Experience

2012-01-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

Let's say (hypothetically speaking, of course) that you have stressors in your life that result in you experiencing some challenging emotions. Maybe you find yourself saying, "I wish this feeling would just go away!"

If you're a sociable person, perhaps you reach out to your friends and family to explain what it is that you're feeling. If you're an introspective person, perhaps you start trying to work through it by asking yourself, “What do I feel right now?” as if naming the feeling is some sort of secret key. But what happens when we do either of these things is that we infuse the “I” into the experience; we are saying, “This feeling of ___ is MINE,” and this separates us from the whole of experience. By providing the framework for taking it personally, this seemingly natural approach puts us in a place of wanting to force a fix for it. This go-getter attitude of wanting to fix what doesn't feel good isn't an inherently bad thing; the issue is that, as Einstein said, "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." What that means in this case is that if you're experiencing a challenging emotion, it's going to be incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to fix it from within that emotion.

I have developed a reframing process to nurture a more holistic state of being in these sorts of situations. It starts much the same way (identifying the present feeling), but it takes the “I” out of the experience so that we can see the feeling as part of a larger whole of existence and not take it personally (and it's quick and simple!). Instead of asking, “What do I feel right now?”, ask, “What feeling is present right now?” Whereas you might have previously answered, “I feel lonely” or “I am sad,” you now answer, “Loneliness is present” or “Sadness is present.” There is no longer an “I” attachment to the feeling; the feeling simply is. This reframe can help you stop trying to control situations, as the “I” ego is no longer struggling to get rid of emotions that threaten it. It takes the "electricity" out of the feeling and allows you to feel like part of a larger whole that functions as it should.

Make this simple perceptual shift a habit. The more you use it, the easier and easier it will become to not get caught up in those difficult feelings and emotions.

Herpes: Why the Stigma?

2012-01-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

In a recent "90 Seconds on Sex" broadcast about the unequal stigma associated with oral and genital herpes, Dr. Paul Joannides makes a very noteworthy and interesting argument:

"The fact is, these two forms of herpes are incredibly similar, and the symptoms each causes are also similar. So why the added stigma for genital herpes?...On the website of the American Social Health Association, it says that most of the 50,000,000 Americans who have genital herpes don't know they have it. Well if most of the people who have genital herpes don't know they have it, then most don't have severe symptoms. Yet we behave as if genital herpes is a terrible disease. Perhaps that's because it shows up below the belt instead of above..."

The fact of the matter is that most (not many, but most) Americans are (1) incredibly miseducated or under-informed about genital herpes, and (2) quick to attach a moral or value judgment to anything associated with sexuality. We don't shun someone who contracts the flu or meningitis (both are viruses, not bacterial infections)--or better yet, chicken pox or shingles--so why do we do so when someone contracts genital herpes? The short answer is as I mentioned above: (1) because we're miseducated and/or under-informed, and (2) because it's sexual, and our society shuns sexual.

As a sexuality educator, I've presented about STIs, and herpes in particular. As a person, I know a lot of people with the virus. One of the toughest things that I encounter is the damage that this unnecessary stigma can cause to people's assessment of self-worth. The irony of the situation is that when people feel disempowered and devalued, they tend not to make the best judgment calls. So what do we expect to happen when we isolate, ostracize, judge, and otherwise stigmatize people who have acquired the herpes virus? (sarcastic, somewhat rhetorical question)

It's time to start questioning our belief systems and challenging our biases. I'm glad Dr. Joannides has opened this door, and I hope the conversations continue.

Your Kids Look At Porn. Now What?

2012-01-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

This article by Marty Klein is a must-read for parents with adolescent children.

Let's Talk About Sex

2012-01-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

The documentary Let's Talk About Sex "takes a revealing look at how American attitudes towards adolescent sexuality affect today’s teenagers." If you have teenage (or younger) children, interact at all with teenagers, or know what a teenager is, you should watch this film (you can order the full DVD from Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and through Netflix...or come borrow it from me!).

A doctor in the film points out, "You don't eliminate sexuality, so do you want to treat it with a sense of respect and a sense of purpose and responsibility...or not? I think most people want to treat it better, they just don't know how." I agree, which is why I do what I do: to help show people how to treat sexuality with a sense of respect, purpose, and responsibility.

People are in denial about sex: who's having it, how they're doing it, why their doing it, and in this case, when they're starting. If we as a society continue to keep our head in the sand about these things, the rate of "problems" (e.g. unwanted pregnancies, increased STIs, negative body image, lack of respect for self and others as sexual beings, etc. etc. ad nauseum) associated with sexuality will continue to run rampant.

Dealing With Inner Conflict

2012-01-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

Inside = Outside

I believe that our external experience is a direct reflection of our internal experience, meaning that any chaos you have going on inside is going to manifest as chaos outside. When you are internally "stuck," confused, or out of balance, I believe these feelings will manifest as confusion and imbalance in your reality, plain and simple. Your feelings don't follow your outward experience; your outward experience follows your feelings. That's why when you're in a crappy mood, you feel like "everything's going wrong!" and when you're on cloud 9, you feel like "nothing in life could bring me down!" If you feel stuck, your life is going to reflect stuck.

Inconsistent "inspired" thoughts

I usually associate most "random" thoughts with being most authentic. They are typically the automatic communications that come from the unconscious mind; those that haven't been tainted by our excessive left-brain analysis and reason. If you're trying to tap into the authentic inner voice inside of you and you keep getting conflicting messages, I would wager a guess that some of these thoughts are randomly popping into your head, and some are actually a result of conscious deliberation, which is why they're inconsistent. I'm not saying that conscious thought is a bad thing. In fact, it is often a very necessary tool, in my opinion, in helping those people who need to understand "why" to get to a place where they can say, "Ah, yes! That makes sense now!" and actually be ready to make changes. For others (usually the more intuitive ones), the "why" isn't at all important, and the thinking actually becomes a hindrance. Learning to distinguish the authentic voice from the critical voice is an art, and it takes practice.

The importance of feeling

Imagine that you want two things, but you believe they're in conflict; that is, your default belief system is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. In order to change that belief system (and ultimately pave the way for possibilities beyond what you thought possible), you have to start with feelings. The question I ask is this: Have you ever felt like you could have "X" and have "Y"? Notice I said felt, not thought. The distinction is important. I could think all day, "I'm valuable and worthy...I'm valuable and worthy..." and yet, if I didn't actually feel valuable and worthy, my experience would likely never reflect it. Yes, sometimes "faking it 'til you make it" can be a good kick-start...but long term, your experience follows what you feel to be true (your "energy," in hippie terms). Often times we convince ourselves on a feeling level that it's not possible to have everything we want...and then we logically deduce arguments to support that belief system. If you want to change your experience, that's where you have to start.

Should I ignore the feelings?

I would never advocate for ignoring feelings. I advocate for being honest about them, and for using them as indicators of where we're at in relation to where we want to be. The greater the dissonance between the two, the more challenging the feelings. If you're involved in some sort of conflict or inner struggle right now and you're aware of it, that's actually a good thing, even though it feels crappy in the moment. It's like the "check engine" light in your car: it sucks when the damn thing comes on, but it serves a very useful purpose ("Something's wrong now, so fix it to avoid further problems down the road."). You don't look at the light and say, "I don't know how to fix it, so I'm just never going to take it in." The problem is that we start worrying about made up future stories ("What if I take it to the wrong mechanic?! Then my car will not drive right!"), and that gets in the way of actually taking inspired action.

Convenience

2012-01-10T19:50:00.001-08:00

"If you follow your heart, you're going to find that it is often extremely inconvenient." -Pema Chodron

I almost didn't acknowledge the value in this morning's quote, not because it didn't resonate with me, but because it resonated too much! The little kid in me is like, "F*** off, Pema! I want life to be easy and convenient!" Deep breath...and end tantrum.

I've been a Pema Chodron student for quite a number of years now. Her stuff always sticks with me, which is to say that I come back to it often. She is really good at observing, not judging, which is the difference between "You will notice..." and "You should..." The distinction is important, because I think it's purposeful. Observations describe what is, and this leaves us room to choose how we want to respond. On the other hand, "You should..." is like setting off on a road trip with someone else behind the wheel: you lose choice in where to go, and you might very well miss some of the scenery that's important to you along the way.

As much as I'd like to believe otherwise, life isn't about "convenient." It's about enjoying the scenery and learning to love the detours along the way.

"Sometimes the mountain is an obstacle in the way; sometimes the mountain is the way." (Science And Non-Duality Conference video, 2009)

Victimhood

2012-01-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

(Joe Vitale's "The Awakening Course" is one of my favorites in the "self-help" niche with which I have a love/hate relationship. My comments below are based on his "4 Stages of Awakening": Victimhood, Empowerment, Surrender, and Awakening.)

The first stage in Awakening is victimhood, or believing that you are at the mercy of everything “out there.” In order to move into the second stage, Empowerment, you must be willing to acknowledge this often unconscious “operating system.” If your experiences are marked by struggle, conflict, or drama, first ask yourself how your victimhood presents itself in your life, and then ask your unconscious mind what you get out of being a victim. Be honest. Sometimes having a victim mentality is so ingrained in us that it’s what feels the most comfortable; sometimes it provides ever sought-after attention; sometimes it’s to deflect from having to look at our own baggage and actually do something about it. It’s only through acknowledging how the victim plays out in our personal experience that we can transcend it and move towards empowerment.

Aren't ALL sexolgists kinky?!

2012-01-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

I am kinky. And I am a sexologist. Some people assume that being a sexologist makes one kinky by default; as if it's accurate to say that if someone has a jar of peanut butter in their cupboard, then not only must they be a peanut butter expert, but they must obviously eat peanut butter sandwiches every day. Head-->desk.

Kink is my life. You pick up the kids from school and go to Little League games...I go to whip practice. Those of you who are parents know that "Mom" or "Dad" (or whatever title you use) is not one you take on and off when it seems best for you personally or professionally, and the same is true for me as a Master in the BDSM lifestyle.

Not all sexologists are kinky. In fact, though the prevalence of open-mindedness (and thus, kink-friendliness) may be higher in the sexologist pool (that's debatable), many have no more idea what "the lifestyle" is really like than any Joe Schmo on the street. I'm sorry, but "getting it" just doesn't come from academic books and lectures.

Why do I point this out? Because I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that my kinky insight and experience are assets, not liabilities, to who I am professionally. My preferred "niche," or specialty, if you will, as a sexologist is working with people who have repressed their sexual identity. In all reality, this could include just about everybody ever! But the populations I relate most to are military members and those in (or interested in) the BDSM community (which makes sense since I am both a military member and involved in the BDSM community!). But until recently, I was bound and determined (no pun intended) to maintain my legitimacy as a "generalist sexologist," thinking that this was equivalent to maintaining humility, which is a trait I consider incredibly important. "Who am I to claim myself an expert for any particular populations?" I thought to myself. But the truth is, I am an expert in these areas, and I'd be doing myself and my potential future clients a disservice by denying the value of my own personal experience.

Image copyright Dave Wright Photography

Results vs. Reasons

2011-12-12T19:52:00.001-08:00

A great friend and teacher taught me that in life, you either have results or reasons: Results means having what you want; Reasons means having stories about why you don’t have what you want. Stop buying into your story; it’s disempowering and keeps you from having what you want. Be at "cause" for everything in your life, no matter how ugly it is. When you’re not getting the results you want, stop and ask yourself, “What is my part in this? How and what am I contributing to this situation?” and take new action.

There is a difference between inspired action and action for its own sake. Take inspired action.

Avoid making choices from a negative emotional state. Anger, sadness, fear, hurt, and guilt can twist our reason and senses, therefore compounding already existing discomfort. Remember that “This too shall pass,” and make decisions from a place of empowerment and centeredness once it does.

Positive states of being exist when one finds the balance between the art of allowing, and the art of being a conscious creator in one’s own world. In the extreme of consciously creating, efforting too hard to create and assert control of one’s reality leads to feelings of frustration and struggle. In the extreme of allowing, assuming a passive, sometimes victim-like role in one’s reality puts one at "effect" of the universe and leads to feeling disempowered. Results exist in the balance.

Service as a Gift in M/s Relationships, Needs vs. Wants as Control Mechanisms

2011-12-11T19:56:00.000-08:00

Gifts

What is a gift? In my mind, gifts are meant to be given without expectation of something in return; a far cry from the Christmas exchanges that will soon be overwhelming so many of us and causing the “is my gift on par with their gift?!” concern. Gifts are given to show appreciation or express gratitude; to honor someone or something they have accomplished; to celebrate turning points or special moments in life. Gifts are an offering, not a trade.

(As a foreword to what’s about to be said, please keep in mind that I do believe the value of a gift comes from shared appreciation of both the giving and receiving parties. This is important, because I’m not saying that service shouldn’t be regarded by the receiver as a gift, regardless of the giver’s intent. Do gifts mean more when they are well received? Of course. It is also important to keep in mind that I consider both sides of the M/s dynamic roles of service.)

Service as a gift?

Some part of me believes that service can be offered as a gift; that is, that service is provided for service’s sake, without expectation of anything in return. However, I think to say that “service is a gift,” especially in M/s relationships, is usually not true (at least not entirely). A more truthful statement, in my opinion, is to say that service is a commodity; it is an offering made in exchange for something in return (GASP for the political incorrectness of that statement! Alright, just hear me out…). This “something” takes the form of many different things for many different people, and we call the variety of these expectations “needs” (on the “s” side: receiving positive feedback, recognition, validation, affection, appreciation, connection, sex, beatings, opportunities to serve, etc.; on the “M” side: receiving obedience, discipline, appreciation, affection, connection, sex, etc.). Regardless of the form, especially since they are so different from person-to-person, something is expected in return, or the exchange wouldn’t work. Or could it?...

Needs vs. Wants vs. Desires

We talked informally in the monthly MAsT (Masters And slaves Together) meeting the other day about the “old style” of slavery in which slaves were either genuinely or superficially content having no needs, wants, or desires of their own; that their sole motivation was serving the needs, wants, or desires of their Master. The consensus is that this “old style” of slavery doesn’t exist anymore, and some question whether it ever really did in the first place. Is this true? “Is it possible that these slaves really did have needs, wants, and desires of their own, and that they were unknowingly subjugating themselves to a less-than-fulfilling life because they didn’t know the difference?” we ask. I’m not convinced that it’s my place to decide.

The truth is, my take on “needs” is probably more abrasive than most. A need, to me, is something that is needed to physically survive: primarily, food, water, and shelter. Everything else is a want. I want to feel loved; I want to feel appreciated; I want to be valued as a person; I want joy in my life; I want to connect with others in deep and meaningful ways… By default, I want these things more than wanting to live life itself (that is to say without them, life might very well seem like it’s not worth living at all), but at the end of the day, I will physically survive (albeit with much pain and discomfort) without them. This is not to say that these things are not important, which is where I think most people get very sensitive about this topic. I believe that things like love, passion, value, joy, and connection are the substance of life; they are the color on our otherwise blank coloring book, and they provide the feeling for our experiences. Something doesn't need to be a "need" in order for it to be an important part of a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. In fact, this is much my point: our perceptions of healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationships are based on how adequately they meet our emotional preferences (regardless of whether we call them "needs" or "wants").

Some people outright refuse to accept the philosophy that "needs" do not extend beyond the physiological. For them I wonder, "Is the issue the philosophy? Or is it the behavior of treating others as if they have no needs beyond the physiological?" I think this is an important distinction, because beliefs and behaviors are not one in the same, and this makes a big difference when we are in relationship with others.

Mechanisms for control

But in this human experience, these “wants” become the mechanisms for control in our lives; they become the benchmarks through which we determine if something is “working for me” or not. Keep in mind that this is an observation, not a judgment; I am simply stating what is, not commenting on whether or not it should be. Case and point: when I am not feeling loved, appreciated, and connected, I may determine that “this situation isn’t right” and do something to change it. In plain English, what this boils down to is that when the dissonance between our wants and our reality becomes great enough, we try to make changes to our reality.

Only physical needs for spiritual beings?

Somebody asked me once, "You speak of needs as being purely physical. So are we then our physical bodies, or are we spiritual beings?" I believe these ideas are not in conflict: “needs” can be purely physical, and we are spiritual beings. Earlier, I mentioned the concept of “needs” vs. “wants” to posit the possibility that by asserting our “needs” and clinging so tightly to our perceptions of their importance, we may actually be creating roadblocks on the path of our spiritual development. It’s about control and expectations. When we become preoccupied with getting what we want (read: having our “needs” met), we are not allowing the flow of life that encourages spiritual development (or whatever term we wish to use). Anyone who knows me well will attest to my commitment to spiritual development; I couldn’t dream of trying to rebuke the notion that my life’s path is one of fostering deep thought, feeling, and connection. I simply believe that we too often use “not having my needs met” as an excuse to escape the discomfort that may actually lead to spiritual development.

A different way?

But the question I ask is this: what would happen if we did it differently? What would happen if, instead of trying to change our reality, we tried to change our wants? Could we not achieve the same sort of minimizing of dissonance if we simply changed our expectations of what we want? What would happen if service really was offered as a gift without expectation of having our self-determined wants met? These are not rhetorical questions.

I can say, based on my current experiment (for those way out of the loop, it looks something like: intentionally continue dating someone long past the point of realizing your wants aren’t being met), that it’s incredibly uncomfortable in the short-term. It breeds lots of ego (“I deserve better than this!”) and desire to control (“If he would just do X, Y, and Z, it would be all better, so I just need to get him to do X, Y, and Z” or “I’m not dealing with this anymore, so I’m done with it” [Yes, that was the recent “manitorium” blip]), and it feels like an unfair trap that the cosmo gods have orchestrated for their comedic and torturous pleasure. But since everything in life is a matter of perspective, we can easily flip this around to see the value in such discomfort: we learn patience, we become more self-aware, and ultimately (hopefully), we learn how to stop making ourselves victims of the universe and instead see every experience as perfect in its imperfection. (…and at the exact moment of writing this, I received a text message [“My house tonight? I’ll make dinner…”] that highlights another huge lesson: we learn to appreciate the little things!)

The truth, for me, is that I think there can be great value in abandoning the pre-conceived notions about what I need. Asserting my needs often manifests as me not wanting to sit in discomfort, though discomfort is often what is necessary for my own growth. When I say, "I need X, Y, and Z," I am usually saying, "I am not willing to be flexible enough to see beyond my own ego," and this is when my "needs" become a mechanism for trying to control rather than allow.

Living without love, appreciation, affection, etc. is possible in the short-term. Anyone who doubts this should spend three months at Marine Corps bootcamp. In some situations, it is precisely the absence of these things that triggers the spontaneous development of character, much like the main character in the Saw series who helps the "victims" appreciate life by forcing them to come face-to-face with death. As we've discussed in past blog entries, the light does not exist without the dark; sometimes the "dark" is not getting what we "want" or "need."

If we accept, for the sake of considering multiple perspectives, that “needs” include a range of non-physiological emotions and feelings, then I offer this perspective: We don’t fulfill each others needs – we contribute to the setting/atmosphere/environment in which each individual fulfills their own needs.

The Value of Darkness

2011-11-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

Someone shared this thought in another discussion forum:

“Follow your bliss is not Do whatever makes you happy. The first will fulfill you, the second only passes the time pleasantly. The first makes a life complete; the second makes a life just pass by."

I had a great conversation with another Master about this last night. He asserts that it is only in our darkest hour that we realize who we really are. If this is the case, why are we all so eager to "follow [our] bliss"? I agree that, as humans, this "trial and tribulations" paradigm of authentic growth is what's most familiar to us (simply put, being able to "realize who we really are" in blissful moments is a learned skill that typically comes after a life wholly dedicated to meditation and abandonment of the "I"). How interesting it is that we all seem so desperate to avoid the darkest hours.

What's beginning to become clear to me is that it all boils down to control. "Doing whatever makes you happy" is an attempt to pass through life by controlling it, as opposed to surrendering to it and engaging wholly with it (all of it, especially including the darkest hours) in such a way that leads to deep, authentic growth and actualization. "Doing whatever makes me happy" allows me to get my rocks off, to avoid "dark" and incredibly uncomfortable emotions (at least temporarily), and to "get what I want," but it doesn't allow me the opportunity to be truly fulfilled.

A Day in My Life

2011-11-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

You know, there is a human on the other side of this blog! In an attempt to give you a glimpse of the person behind the curtain, here's some commentary on "a day in the life" of, well, me!

I spent the morning at Kink Karnival, an open house of sorts hosted by APEX, our local SM club: seeing old friends, enjoying the presence of close ones, and simply showing up to support the Arizona community.

I had lunch with a kinky friend I haven't seen in many, many months. Seeing his "lofty" visions (including an 11,000 square foot, upscale play space) come to fruition is this physical world is both surprising and amazing. He brought up a number of things that made me think about where I've been and where I'm going; what sort of things I consider critical in a partnership, and which ones (and why) I'm willing to compromise. "You can't teach ambition," he says, and I know deep down (though I don't want to believe it) that he's right. Yes, ambition is important to me. I am a go-getter, and I feel resentful if I'm the only one doing the go-getting. Aha moment.

I spent my early evening in a Sisterhood sweatlodge. Connecting with feminine energy is something that is calls to me more and more these days, as I learn to embrace the mother/the child/the dancer/the lover/the innocence/the laughter/the flow inside of me. We had a South-West sweat, which is for the birth of Dream Children. My Dream Child: the belief that unconditional love is possible. I have lived my life in the paradigm of "strings attached," waiting for the next shoe to drop, believing that there are always conditions attached to the giving and receiving of love. Intimate relationships have further compounded this belief, typically ending because one partner or the other wasn't getting enough of what they wanted; their conditions weren't being met. My realization for the sweat: be the change. Love someone (other than my cat and my sister) unconditionally, without expectations, without demands, without self interest, without self pity. Give until you have nothing else to give, and then give more. Perhaps that's why I continue to engage in the going-nowhere dating game, as unfulfilling as it seems: it provides me with an opportunity to not get "what makes me happy," and to be OK with it. It seems so backwards, and it doesn't feel particularly good, but I believe it's helping me to let go of conditions...or at least I'm trying to convince myself.

I spent my evening at Anvil to support the Arizona LeatherSIR and leatherboy contest. How I managed to be propositioned in a gay men's leather bar (by a gay male father trying to pimp his straight [shirtless] son) is beyond me, though I suppose stranger things have happened. My buzzing from the earlier sweat (and the company of buzzing friends) ended rather abruptly when I noticed a couple of slaves gloating to each other about their collars. They were so joyful; so proud; so happy to show off their symbols of ownership. This was really tough because I'd recently release my long-term slave and life partner from service and removed his collar. I thought about the custom collar sitting in a box in my closet, and I immediately felt the urge to cry. "It doesn't belong there," I thought to myself, and yet it doesn't belong anywhere anymore.

Topics for Conversation: Emotional Resilience, and Which Came First, the Needs/Wants/Desires of the Master or the slave?

2011-11-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

Emotional resilience

The concept of emotional resilience is something that has resonated with me for as long as I can remember. It appears in nearly all of the teachings I have come across regarding spirituality, consciousness, and "enlightenment," usually presented as the art of allowing. Pema Chodron discusses the importance of "leaning into the sharp points" in order to fully engage is that which is uncomfortable or downright painful; Alan Watts asserts that what is so problematic for Western man is not so much his struggles with other people and their needs and problems, but rather his struggle with his own feelings. These sorts of teaching really resonate with me, and yet I struggle with them in M/s relationships.

Emotional resilience in M/s relationships

Resilience is something that has typically come very easily to me, and I find myself expecting the same from slaves. "What do you mean, you are struggling and can't do it yourself?" This is something that takes a lot of conscious effort on my part to overcome.

I feel like, at times, emotional resilience gets lost in the thought that "a slave ought to be able to rely on its Master for everything." Isn't this what we mean when we talk about providing for a slave's wellbeing? That a Master assumes responsibility for every part of the slave? In this approach, trust and obedience from the slave are exchanged for the Master taking sole responsibility for the slave's well-being, and the slave is no longer responsible for its own wellbeing. Though this sounds like a balanced exchange, I feel like it contradicts the concept of self-actualization. I'm having a hard time figuring out how that approach doesn't weaken the slave instead of building it into the most self-actualized being it can be.

What makes more sense to me is that the slave should be able to look to its Master for guidance, but that the slave is still ultimately responsible for its own feelings. If the slave feels like it is "not being taken care of," it should seek guidance from its Master. It is not the Master's role, though, to be held responsible for the slave's emotions and feelings. The question then becomes: What does "guidance" look like? And how does this guidance work if there are conflicts between the Master's and slave's needs/wants/desires?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? (The Master's needs, or the slave's?)

This is like the cliche conundrum: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? In such the case that a Master's needs and slave's needs are not the same, which came first: the needs of the Master or slave? Does your perspective change if the word "needs" is replaced by the word "wants" or "desires"? If so, how is it decided what is a need vs. want vs. desire, for both or either party?

Cases for reflection

Case for reflection: If a slave feels that it is not being taken care of emotionally (i.e. that there is a lack of connection, lack of affection, lack of concern for its struggles), and the Master doesn't feel capable (or called) to provide these things in the form or fashion the slave wants/needs/desires in the moment, is this an issue of the slave trying to "control the system" or of the Master "failing to provide what's necessary"? Of course, "not being taken care of emotionally" is relative, and this is much the source of my pondering. In a relative reality, how do we decide what is the priority? How do we determine what experiences are occurring with the divine intention of building emotional resilience, and which are simply ego-based and destructive?

Case for reflection ("need"): If a slave feels that it needs to be taken care of emotionally (i.e. by feeling connected, by receiving affection, by having its struggles validated), and the Master feels the demands for emotional care placed upon him/her/them by the slave are unreasonable or unattainable in the given situation, is this an issue of the slave trying to "control the system" or of the Master "failing to provide what's necessary"?

Case for reflection ("want"): If a slave wants emotional attention (ie. to feel connected, to receive affection, to have its struggles validated), and the Master does not want to provide it in the form or fashion the slave wants, is this an issue of the slave trying to "control the system" or of the Master "failing to provide what's necessary"?

Case for reflection ("desire"): If a slave desires emotional attention (ie. to feel connected, to receive affection, to have its struggles validated), and the Master desires space for self-reflection, is this an issue of the slave trying to "control the system" or of the Master "failing to provide what's necessary"?

Should a slave ever be "allowed" to reach its ultimate breaking point, or should the Master do everything in his/her/their power to ensure that doesn't happen? At what point does doing so become inexcusably neglectful? How does emotional resilience play into this equation?

At some point, somebody commented to me, "A slave often has little or no other options for emotional support besides the Master." My response to this, excuse the forwardness here, is: if that's the case...fail. Epic fail. In my opinion, there's no reason a Master/slave relationship should involve codependency to the extent that the slave only derives its emotional satisfaction from its Master. Maintaining healthy, meaningful balance in all areas of life is important, regardless of whether one is a Master or slave. This includes maintaining outlets for emotional support outside of one's primary relationship.

In a perfect world...

In a perfect world, when everything is working out just right, Mastery and slavery can feel free; like a gift to each other in every moment. But M/s relationships have to function in the "real world" too, where there is legitimate conflict and disagreement, and where two individuals' perspectives and filters are very different. Simply put, when things get crappy, it's easy for the gift to lose some of its perceived value. The question is, how do we begin to shift our awareness away from the conflict and towards the larger picture, especially in the midst of intense emotions? Furthermore, how do we identify whether the conflict exists in order to build our emotional resilience, or whether it is beyond our person capacity?

What about codependency?

There is a critical difference, to me, between codependence and interdependence. Codependence can sound like anything from "I am not a worthy human being without you" (hello, Fantasyland!) to "My happiness relies on you," and everything in between. Sometimes this is a slippery slope, because we're taught that if we really love someone, they ought to be our entire world; we ought to sacrifice our own happiness for their own at any cost. Is this reasonable for Master or slave? Does this not breed resentment if the sacrifices made to accommodate the other partner are imbalanced for any extended period of time? The trouble with this line of reasoning, in my opinion, is that it puts the potential to be happy outside of oneself, which is a recipe for disaster. Interdependence, on the other hand, is more like a dance than a piggy-back ride. We come to the table as two whole beings, responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors. In this space, we can say to each other, "I appreciate the growing that happens when we are in relation to each other, but I am not attached to any specific outcome."

Seeing the Forest for the Trees: A Vulnerable and Honest Look at a Personal Struggle

2011-11-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

I've contemplated my "Masterliness" a lot over the past week; a week with a heck of a lot of emotional pain. A week ago today I took the key to my former slave's collar off from around my neck and released him from service; after a year and four months together, I became a Master without a slave. "Was this even possible?!" Despite all the Butchmanns "heart talks," Domme roundtable discussions, and MAsT discussions about this very topic and all of the absolute affirmations that one IS what one IS, regardless of whom one owns or is owned by, the question now felt REAL to me, and I wasn't so sure of the real answer to it anymore. I wasn't sure of much at all anymore, honestly.

Enter: pain...that wasn't, oddly enough. I'd hit an emotional fork in the road; I was either going to be miserable and curse life for not being what I wanted it to be, or I was going to have to do something outside the box in order to feel differently about the new path before me... So I reached out: "Any chance you have time tomorrow night to flog a female Master who needs to purge?" And that's when I got back on track.

As the leather pounded my skin, I felt my back redden; my legs shake; my snot and tears drip into a puddle on the floor below my face...and I surrendered to nothingness, which was quite a departure from my familiar surrendering to "knowing." The pounding stopped. After some time, I opened my eyes to a crosshatched pattern of ceramic tile; my awareness transfixed on just a corner of the tile immediately below me. I blinked, and my awareness expanded to the whole tile. I blinked again and saw the entire floor. I was no longer standing, as my mom said, "too close to the quilt to see the whole beautiful pattern." I finally got a glimpse of the forest for the trees. Big picture realizations feel good.

I am Master Ami because that's who I am. It's me in a state of being, not necessarily in a state of knowing. It's me with a slave or without a slave. It's me when I feel lost, and when I'm angry at the Universe for handing me a calling without asking me whether or not I'd volunteer for the position in the first place. And the beauty is that in some way, we're all doing the exact same thing: learning to truly understand and accept the path we've been dealt.

Image copyright Mondo Art Photography

I'm Not Bad, I'm Just Drawn That Way: A Confession

2011-10-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

I am not a fetishist. I am not a kinky "player." I am a Master, which is for me a far different path than that of a Dominatrix, a Dominant, a Domme, a Mistress, or any other primarily D/s labels. My path of Mastery is one of spirit, not sex. This doesn't mean that they may not sometimes overlap, but the intention is wholy different. Any overlap is coincidental, and not the primary focus of my guiding principles. This is important to clarify, particularly because I am young (relatively speaking). Most of my cohort group (mid to late 20-somethings) is attracted primarily to the side of SM that meets their fetishistic, sexual, and/or "play" desires. I make no judgments about that, and I do maintain great friendships with people for whom this description would be appropriate. However, I am not one of them. I am always perplexed when I receive messages from people whose expressed interests are almost completely about the fantasy aspect of SM. I think, "What on Earth leads them to believe that we'd be a good match or that we'd share any sort of connection?!" And then it hit me: For as long as I'm young and superficially attractive (neither of which is going to last forever, mind you), I am likely to continue encountering the same conundrum; I am likely to remain the black sheep on a farm full of horny rabbits.

I'll Never Forget

2011-09-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

I’m a big proponent of conscious language. I try not to say “thank you” when “I appreciate who you are” conveys a more meaningful and deliberate message. I don’t say “I’m sorry” when I don’t mean it. So when I hear people say, “I’ll never forget…,” I often wonder if that’s true, or if whatever it is that they’re referring to is something that will really be out of sight and out of mind a few months or years down the road.

How many times have we said those words? “I’ll never forget this moment,” whatever this moment is? We say it in the moment; we say it because we are moved and inspired; because we feel something special in the now. “I’ll never forget the way she looked at me…I’ll never forget what it felt like to hear those words…I’ll never forget…” But often, we do forget. Once we’ve experienced something, we move it out of our feeling awareness and into our cerebral memory; which is why it’s important to keep creating meaningful moments: to keep feeling.

What I mean when I say that I’ll never forget something in my life is that those are the experiences about which I can pause and remember feelings for, and some of those feelings can be very strong. I’ll never forget what it was like to see and hug my family after returning home from war; I’ll never forget feeling moved and inspired at Leadership Camp; I’ll never forget…what? What are the things we’ll never forget? Those are the moments in which we’re really living life.

I have recently realized that I’m being called to witness storytelling; to create space and opportunity for sharing the juicy and meaningful bits of life through narrative stories. These stories, I believe, are a way of sharing the things we’ll never forget. What’s your story? What narrative can you share about something meaningful in your life; something moving; something touching; something you (and perhaps we) will never forget?

I will never forget: Operation Iraqi Freedom I, 2003

Q&A: A Pretty Vulva

2011-09-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

Question:

This question simply comes from inexperience and lack of information. I have a new sex partner who is helping me open up and explore. I've never really looked at my girly bits, but now that I'm brave enough to look at sexy pics, I've wandered elsewhere and am now paranoid that my hoo-hoo looks like a pile of roast beef!! Ew!! Not nearly as sexy as what I'm seeing. Is there any way to shape up the old girl?

Answer:

I applaud you for being willing to open up and explore! Now I challenge you to do a few things: first, watch the movie “The Perfect Vagina” (available to view for free on topdocumentaryfilms.com); second, get your hands on at least one (preferably both) of the following books: “I’ll Show You Mine,” edited by Wrenna Robertson, and “Femalia,” edited by Joani Blank (or, as a last resort, look through online photos of vulvas such as those on the-clitoris.com, in the Body Image section); third, sit down naked in front of a mirror and start exploring and appreciating your own unique “girly bits.”

Your “paranoia” is a common concern. God love porn, but the industry has created some challenges for those of us who are not porn stars; namely, that men and women both have taken to criticizing their own bits after comparing them to the bits in mainstream videos and magazines! Unfortunately, since women don’t typically see each other’s vulvas except in porn (where actresses and models are hired on the basis of specific attributes), they rarely have a realistic basis for comparison.

It’s not possible to be “as sexy as what [we’re] seeing” if we’re not willing to recognize the misleading representations of the “fantasy vulva”; appreciate the diversity of human form; and be confident about our parts, regardless of what sort of food they look like!

So, “Is there any way to shape up the old girl?” Sure, if you want to have surgery. Otherwise, my suggestion is to shape up the perceptions you have about the “old girl” instead.

Q&A: Porn and Lying

2011-09-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

Question:

My boyfriend watches porn A LOT. He doesn't watch it with me and he denies that he does it. He blocks it on the computer so he doesn't "lie" about it, but I know he does because he has the videos downloaded. Sometimes I feel like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me. I do not have big boobs, he always complements me on my butt. He said he is a butt guy, not a boob guy, however all of the porn videos he watches are "girls with big boobs" etc. The couple times we have watched it together, he made it out as a joke if that makes sense. HELP PLEASE!!

Answer:

In order to best address the issue at hand, you’ve got to be clear about the “so what?” You’ve told us about what he does (or what you think or assume) he does, but except for “Sometimes I feel like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me,” it’s not clear what your actual concern is. I’ll do my best to read between the lines, but it’s definitely something for you to give some thought to.

Some people choose not to watch porn at all, some people watch porn A LOT, and everyone else fits in somewhere along the spectrum. Porn can be a healthy and fulfilling part of what gets us going sexually, so it’s important to keep in mind that watching porn is a personal choice that doesn’t merit admonishment in its own right. What about him watching porn is a problem for you? Is it the amount of porn that is setting you off? Is it the type of porn that really ruffles your feathers? My guess is that neither of these is the real issue here. Ask yourself this question: If all of your needs in the relationship were being met, would you still have a problem with him watching porn? If your answer is “no,” then your concern is really about not having your needs met in the relationships (i.e. honesty, open communication, quality time together, fulfilling sex, etc.); if your answer is “yes,” then I suggest you take a closer look at what’s going on inside of you that’s making you insecure about his behaviors. If there are things that you’re wanting (either sexually or in the relationship in general), talking to him honestly and candidly (about you, not him) will help you both to get on the same page.

The truth is, I’m sensing trust and communication issues here, and that’s never good news for building intimacy with someone you care about. You’re checking his computer files to validate your own assumptions, and he’s denying everything and blocking the computer to save face. Instead of continuing this vicious cycle, try something different; something “outside the box” (no pun intended)! First, accept (and believe!) his compliments about your butt, even if he’s watching “big boob” porn! Porn is a fantasy outlet, just like the daydreams you have about the hot guy you pass on the street or the hunky hero in your romance novel; the best part about fantasy is that you get to enjoy it and keep your boyfriend! Second, be supportive of him instead of accusatory, while simultaneously expressing and maintaining boundaries about honesty. Third, if you’re watching porn together and he makes a joke, laugh with him! And finally, try finding some porn that works for you and letting him on it!

What's the Difference? (Abnormal - Deviant - Unnatural - Paraphilic - Immoral - Perverse - Kinky)

2011-09-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

Even in modern Western society, sex is a taboo subject. Sexuality is rarely talked about openly in any significant manner, and few people would have any idea about what others do sexually if it weren’t for pornography and a few publications on the matter. There’s incongruence between what’s really going on with people’s sexual thoughts and behaviors and what is thought or assumed to be true, and this contributes to the marginalization and stigmatization of many aspects of sexuality. The language used to describe many of these thoughts and behaviors is indicative of society’s attitudes toward them. For instance, a number of words—such as deviant, pathological, perverse, paraphilic, unnatural, immoral, and kinky—are often used synonymously for “abnormal” sexual behavior, even when the pejorative use of such terms is not consistently applicable across multiples cultures and time periods.

"Abnormal"

Throughout history, various sexual behaviors have been considered “abnormal” by society. These include, but certainly are not limited to, masturbation, homosexuality, fetishism, sadomasochism (SM), pedophilia, incest, prostitution, polygamy, and bestiality. Historically, it has been comparatively easy to determine what a regarded as deviant sexuality: it appears in the legal codes, religious and theological literature, and often in scientific or philosophic writing. Yet, since conceptions of normality and deviance are dependent on the value systems of a given society, and since value systems are always in the process of evolution in that society, behaviors that are considered abnormal or deviant at one time are likely to be considered differently in another.

Conditioning is responsible for most attitudes about sexual behavior. A person is taught that there are natural and acceptable forms of sexual activity, and that there are perverted forms, which are unnatural and revolting, sinful, and criminal. Societies use numerous terms—some pejorative, some descriptive—to classify “abnormal” sexual behaviors according to social conditioning and constructs of acceptability.

"Deviant"

When the sexual behaviors of a group are well defined, the term deviant behavior can be used non-pejoratively to describe a behavior that is not consistent with those in the group. In other words, sexual behavior is said to be deviant when it is outside the "norm" for a particular population of individuals. We can determine whether or not a sexual behavior is deviant if we know the group membership of the individual who has engaged in the behavior and what sexual practices are usual for that group. Said otherwise, deviant can be used simply to describe behaviors that deviate from other behaviors in the group. However, deviant behavior can also be used pejoratively to indicate disapproval or negativity about sexual behavior. Such is the case when behaviors are characterized as deviant based on religious or moral condemnation or pathological diagnosis. It seems a prominent human trait and a pervasive aspect of human society that religious and moral judgments are readily made about all forms of sexual behavior, but particularly when the sexual behavior is unusual. Hence, deviant is used pejoratively to express disapproval of sexual behaviors that do not adhere to a prescribed moral, ethical, or social code.

"Unnatural"

Similar to deviant behavior, the term “unnatural” sexual behavior can be used pejoratively to describe acts that are considered contrary to moral and religious prescriptions. In the most basic sense, unnatural is meant to describe that which does not exist in nature; however, unnatural in terms of sexual behavior implies a pejorative contradiction to the perceived intentions of God. For example, Aquinas identifies four categories of “unnatural vice”: masturbation, intercourse with animals, non-vaginal intercourse between a woman and man, and sexual relations with a person of the same sex. In simplistic terms, sexual behavior that is conducted for non-procreative purposes is generally considered unnatural. Ironically—though many of the acts deemed unnatural in a pejorative sense do, in fact, exist in nature—sexual behaviors that are deemed socially acceptable and natural in one instance are abhorred in another. As William Masters expressed as early as 1962, “It seems to me more than a little strange that fellatio is not perverted when a woman performs it, but perverted if a man performs it. And that cunnilingus is all right if performed by a man, but perverted if performed by a woman."

"Paraphilic"

The terms “paraphilic” and “pathological” are often used interchangeably in pejorative ways. “Paraphilia” has been recognized by psychiatry since 1905, though behaviors now classified as paraphilic have been evidenced in literature for centuries. In general, paraphilias include exhibitionism (exposure of genitals to a stranger), pedophilia (sexual activity with a prepubescent child, generally 13 years of age or younger), voyeurism (observing others' sexual activities), fetishism (use of inert objects, such as female undergarments), transvestic fetishism (cross-dressing), sexual sadism (inflicting suffering or humiliation), sexual masochism (being humiliated, beaten, bound or made to suffer) and frotteurism (touching, rubbing against a nonconsenting person). Considered by Freud to be “deviations in the aim of the sexual instinct," paraphilias in the clinical context are labeled disordered when their themes are unusual in content, longstanding in duration, and powerful in arousal. Given these criteria, paraphilic takes on a strikingly pejorative meaning; it becomes pathological. Because paraphilic behaviors are “unusual” by definition and pathologized by the medical community, they are indiscriminately stigmatized by society. When the object of sexual desire is unusual, an underlying pathology of sexual interest is inferred, and a mental health professional will make a diagnosis of paraphilia according to criteria set out in DSM-IV-TR. However, it is entirely possible—and realistically common—for an individual to have a paraphilia, but not necessarily to any extent by which it could be considered a disruptive disorder. In fact, many researchers contend that many of the paraphilias—the so-called sexual pathologies—listed in the DSM-IV are not abnormalities at all, but rather social constructs.

"Immoral"

Similar to many other synonyms for “abnormal” sexual behavior, “immoral” sexual behavior is perceived to be related to moral corruption in society. Modern western conceptions of immoral sexual behavior have strong roots in Christian doctrine, and the term “immoral” is used pejoratively to describe behaviors that do not adhere to classical Christian mores. According to the Catholic Theological Society, “Sex is immoral to the degree that it departs from [the] context of friendship and lacks qualities of love, commitment, fidelity and mutuality… Sex is the more immoral to the degree that it is violent, uncommitted, exploitative and lacks mutuality." Still, there is no universal agreement throughout the world as to what constitutes sexually immoral behavior, and what is defined as moral or immoral is arbitrary in a historical sense as well. Nonetheless, the pejorative use of “immoral” to describe sexual behaviors is pervasive in society, particularly as an attempt to control other peoples’ sexual behaviors. This, according to Masters, is “not only distressing…but also most curious…that sex legislation in this country continues to be based upon unscientific, supernaturalistic religio-ethical notions and no longer existing practicalities current at the time of Moses."

"Perverse"

The term “perverse” is used in multiple pejorative forms (i.e. perversion, perverted, pervert). Though there is no philosophical or scientific consensus about the nature, origin, or genuine existence of sexual perversion, the term is used normatively, not purely descriptively, implying statistical abnormality and psychological disorder, deviance, or unnaturalness. The sexual pervert is defined by Masters as a man or woman who (1) is unable to love and to derive sexual gratification from a normal love object; and (2) possesses desires, equally as intense as those of the normal individual, for an abnormal love-object. As such, Masters contends that there is no such thing as perverted sexual acts—only sexual acts of perverted persons. In this sense, “perversion” resides within the pathological psychology of the pervert, “of which in his case the act is a symptom…the behavior is diseased because the individual is diseased—and not the reversed."

"Kinky"

“Kinky” is a term that has a multitude of different meanings—some pejorative, and some neo-pejorative or descriptive. In the pejorative sense, kinky sex is regarded as sexual behavior that appeals to bizarre or deviant tastes, or perverted practices; it is most frequently used to refer to sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM). In an examination of common ways that people think about “kinky” sexuality, Dr. Marty Klein asserts, “The general attitude about kinky sex and its practitioners among the media, civic organizations, and medical-psychological professions is pretty negative. They accept or even promote horrible misinformation… They use glamorous but bizarre cases to condemn ordinary choices… [and] too many shrinks assume that people are into kinky sex because they were abused as children." Insomuch as the “kinky” is associated with unconventional sexual practices, it may be used pejoratively to distinguish between “acceptable,” or “vanilla,” activities and “unacceptable,” or “kinky,” ones. However, a growing sub-culture of kinky practitioners promotes the neo-pejorative understanding of “kinky” as a legitimate and intelligent expression of sexual intimacy, and like Dr. Klein, insist that kinky and vanilla sex are parts of a continuum, the wide range of human eroticism.

Q&A: BDSM and Equality

2011-09-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

Question:

Doesn't BDSM break the rule that all people are created equally and are meant to be treated as equals?

Answer:

First, let's discuss what, exactly, we mean when we're talking about BDSM. In the book "Consensual Sadomasochism," the authors describe BDSM as “a single collection of overlapping initials intended to identify three components of erotic power play—BD, DS, and SM—at once." The isolated terms BD (bondage and discipline), DS (dominance and submission), and SM (sadism and masochism) represent a number of activities and relationships that may or may not overlap, given the individual, relationship, and community. In fact, there is no commonly accepted definition of what constitutes SM sexual behavior. Just as the term American is insufficient for identifying specific characteristics, feelings, opinions, and behaviors of someone living in America, so too are isolated terms insufficient in identifying the specific characteristics, feelings, opinions, and behaviors of someone involved in BDSM.

One of the defining characteristics of SM is that it is about dominance and submission and not necessarily about pain, and that while it is true that pain is important to some sadomasochists, definitions that focus exclusively on pain miss the essence of SM, the ritualization of dominance and submission. However, popular media places an emphasis on the SM and BD aspects of BDSM. This contributes to the misperception that beatings and bondage are the core component of BDSM, and this is not inherently true. The nature of BDSM depends on the individual and the relationship, and this may or may not include SM as a part of the consensual power exchange.

There is a growing sub-culture in the BDSM community in which BDSM exchanges are regarded as contributions to spiritual, sometimes transcendent, awakenings. This sub-culture—if the sometimes-criticized “New Age” component can be overlooked—is likely to be more palatable to many people looking in to understand BDSM. However, even aside from this spiritual sub-culture, what is clear is that SM does not entail violence, and it is not nonconsensual. It is also not abuse (which is clearly unequal treatment) because abuse is (1) non-consensual, and (2) intentionally harmful to the individual.

A Master known in a spiritually oriented sub-group in the SM community asserts, “I believe that Masters and slaves come to the table as healthy adults with equally important needs. What makes us different from other relationships is that we have a transfer of authority inside a well defined, agreed upon structure. In such a relationship, the slave is of equal value as a person, but is not of equal status.” There are three generally recognized power exchange dynamics at the core of the “well defined, agreed upon structure” of the SM community: top/bottom, dominant/submissive, and master/slave. The top/bottom dynamic is typically used in reference to the giver and receiver in a play scene, and in such a case there is little or no evidence of dominance/submission outside of play. The dominant/submissive dynamic is typically used in reference to power exchange relationships that often transcend play space and involve ongoing negotiation.

The master/slave dynamic is typically used in reference to power exchange relationships in which consent is offered to the relationship as a whole. All three of these dynamics have one thing in common: consent. In the most simplistic terms, one partner consents to serve or submit, and the other partner consents to accept service or submission. Often, BDSM behaviors give the appearance of inequality because people wrongfully assume that, “S/he certainly couldn’t want that!” and therefore assume that the exchange is in some way forced or coerced. As most any masochist will attest, this is simply not the case. SM and BD behaviors do not exist in a vacuum; they are integrated into power-exchange relationships, and though the length of these relationships varies from a single scene to a lifetime, analyzing the BDSM activities that take place within them should only be done with consideration for the attitudes of the top(s) and bottom(s) participating in them. The arrangement is often what gives the appearance of an unfair distribution of labor. But if the negotiations of the relationship were comprehensive and the expectations of the relationships are being upheld, the servant and owner remain equals and maintain equal responsibility for the success of the relationship.

Even when the power exchange is short-term, BDSM behavior is consensual and rewarding for both participants. In all reality, SM scenes are both consensual and collaboratively produced. Before SM or BD “play” or “scenes” begin, negotiations take place and boundaries are defined, and participants often agree on what will take place during the scene and carefully discuss limits to the interaction, ensuring that both derive pleasure from their participation. In fact, some people argue that if inequality does exist, it favors the masochist. One commentary on lesbian feminism points out, “the external, physical scene, wherein a sadist dominates a masochist in whatever fashion, is not the whole scene and cannot be viewed as the sole locus of meaning in their acts. In fact, it is the masochist who is in charge; the masochist who gets to say how far things can go, the masochist who decides at the limit what she can take, the masochist who feels her power in the act of submission."

SM, as a practice of erotic power exchange, involves give-and-take between participants. "Consensual Sadomasochism" explains: “By parity we do not quite mean equality. If A gives B a candy bar, B should give A an identical candy bar in a strictly equal exchange. But when A gives B a candy bar, B may give A a dollar instead. While A cannot eat the dollar, and B cannot spend the candy bar, if they have agreed that the worth of the two objects is equal then their exchange is one of parity." Treating someone as an equal, then, means recognizing, respecting, and honoring a person’s worth during an exchange.

BDSM activities often give the appearance of inequality, but this is not the case when one considers takes into account the attitudes of the participants. People who engage in BDSM behaviors are equal participants in the exchange, even if they have not assumed equal roles. If one chooses not to participate, the exchange is over. If we envision a power exchange relationship as a closed system, i.e. one in which two or more consenting adults join together, each bringing an equal amount of responsibility (power) for the relationship to the table, then it becomes clear that regardless of protocol, etiquette, or day-today tasks (the processes of a power exchange relationship) the volume of power in the relationship does not change. The owner and slave remain equals.

A paradigm shift is necessary for those who find SM behaviors unequal. Quite contrarily, though the expressions of power are not the same for the top and bottom (one is giving and the other receiving), they are exchanging as equal participants, and in such a way that their desires as unique individuals can be realized. SM behaviors exist in the context of two people of equal value expressing themselves authentically through unequal roles. Hence, although they may not be equal in assumed status, they are equal in importance.

Image copyright David Wright

Sense Appeal is Finding a Voice!

2011-03-02T23:19:00.000-08:00

Although I've been hesitant to "put myself out there" in any sort of educational capacity, many of you will be glad to know that I'm stepping outside of that box a bit! I was recently recorded as the BDSM "expert" (gosh I hate that word!) on an episode of "Life on the Swingset," a wonderful sex-positive website and podcast about sexual exploration and openness, hosted by my beautiful friend Ginger. I will also be teaching 3 workshops at CampOut2011, a "trans-oriented, trans-positive, sex and body positive, kinky event committed to providing a safe, fun, supportive environment for community building and individual growth" (wow, that's a mouthful!), in July: "Conscious Conditioning: Using Anchors for Empowerment...And Play!", "Erotic Hypnosis for Partners," and "I'm Hir! Finding and Embracing Your Authentic Self." More to come!

Professional Resources for Providers: Rules and Regs in the "Helping Professions"

2011-02-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

The "ecstatic kink" community (I use this made-up term loosely, but I am referring to energy-focused pro-Dommes, bodyworkers who incorporate BDSM concepts, and others who embrace the potential for therapeutic resolution through kinky means) is marked undeniable Healer archetypes; often these healers utilize physical modalities to help clients with emotional/mental/spiritual "stuff." For clients who are not interested in using the body to dig deep into the psyche, there are what we call the "traditional helping professions."

I've heard the following question more than a few times recently: "As a provider, is it possible to have the best of both worlds? What if I want to be a pro-Domme and a therapist?" I seem to be attracting more and more people into my life with this sort of intention, and it makes sense if one considers the Healer intention of both. Unfortunately, navigating these ropes can be challenging, particularly because of the varied requirements for professional association in each field.

What I'd like to do is simplify the issue so that people know where to find the information that is useful in evaluating the direction of their own professional path(s), which will then able them to make their own informed decisions. First we'll talk about who we're talking about (and what all the acronyms mean), and then we'll discuss some of the requirements and regulations for each (specifically in the state of California).

"Traditional" Helping Professions/Titles

These titles are regulated and widely recognized, which means they require licensure (most through the California Board of Behavioral Sciences, which also means they require explicit regionally-accredited education and supervision:

· Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) (licensure was not required in California before 2011, but is now through BBS)
· Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) (licensure through BBS, requires a qualifying Dorctor's or Master's degree)
· Clinical Psychologist (licensure through California Board of Psychology)
· Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) (licensure through BBS)
· Psychiatrist (licensure through Medical Board of California)

In order to "hang a tile" (the phrase is used both figuratively and literally) for one of the traditional helping professions, individuals must be licensed by the state in which they work (and licensure requirements are different from state to state). After licensure, membership or association with any other professional organizations is up to you, and this is where you'll need to do your homework and be selective. For example, many organizations have a Code of Ethics that prohibits physical touch, sexual contact, dual relationship, etc.

"Traditional" Professional Associations/Organizations

These are some of the most reputable and common organizations to which professionals in the traditional helping professions belong:

· American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) (Code of Ethics)
· American Counseling Association (ACA) (Code of Ethics)
· American Mental Health Counselors Association (AMHCA) (Code of Ethics)
· American Psychiatric Association (ApA) (Code of Ethics)
· American Psychological Association (APA) (Code of Ethics)
· California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) (Code of Ethics, Part 1, Code of Ethics, Part 2)
· National Association of Social Workers (NASW) (Code of Ethics)
· American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) (Code of Ethics)
· National Association of Social Workers California Chapter (LCSW)
· California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors (previously the California Coalition for Counselor Licensure)
· Medical Board of California
· California Board of Psychology
· California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT)

"Nontraditional" Helping Professions/Titles

These titles are typically self-regulated, which means that although many have developed professional education tracks and certifications of their own, they are not recognized as licensable professions; instead, this is where you will see phrases like "Board Certified." Sometimes practitioners in these fields practice independently, and sometimes these modalities are used as complimentary tools in the "traditionals" above. Most of these professions are not associated with organizations that have strict Codes of Ethics (primarily because strict regulations would limit the potential efficacy and utility of their approaches). This is not an exhaustive list by any means:

· Life/Relationship/Success/Business Coach
· Tantrika
· Bodyworker
· Sexologist
· Sexuality Educator
· Hypnotherapist (CHt)
· Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner
· Professional Domme / Dominatrix
· Energy worker / Reiki Practitioner
· Acupuncturist
· Sex surrogate
· Shaman

"Nontraditional" Professional Associations/Organizations

These are some of the most common organizations to which practitioners in the nontraditional modalities may belong:
· American Board of Sexology (ABS)
· American College of Sexologists (ACS)
· International Board of Clinical Practitioners (IBCP)
· The American Association of Drugless Practitioners (AADP)
· National Certification Commission for Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine (NCCAOM)
· American Academy of Medical Acupuncture (ACMA)

So is it possible to have the best of both worlds? It depends on which modalities you want to use and which professional associations you want to have. If you want to be an AASECT certified therapist, being a ProDomme or bodyworker is probably not the wisest choice (unless you want to risk being turned in and investigated by an Ethics Board). However, if being associated with a professional organization like AASECT is not important to you, then it looks like clear skies ahead.

Out and About: What's Going On @ Sense Appeal?

2011-01-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

Here are some updates on recent and upcoming events:

I am really looking forward to spending a fabulous weekend in Tustin, California, for my dear friend Michael Stevenson's "Decide to Succeed" weekend workshop in a couple of weeks! I've attended this event once before, somewhere during my hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming training, and it absolutely recharged and reinvigorated me.

I am also preparing for a couple of fabulous kink events. My slave and I will be volunteering/attending the Southwest Leather Conference in Phoenix from January 21st-23rd, and I will be attending Cleo Dubois' "Erotic Dominance Intensive" in San Francisco from January 28th-30th. Cleo's events, as I discovered during the "Couples' Intensive" a few months ago, resonate with me on such a level that I simply had to register for this course for female "big D" types! I love that I am able to grow and learn so much through experiences like these!

But enough with the "on the surface" ramble... How am I really doing? Some days I'm feeling wonderful, energetic, and productive; other days I'm feeling overwhelmed, detached, and exhausted. I've begun to wonder if my moods really are influenced by the weather, because I definitely notice more "down" days when it's cold and gloomy, and I've seen a lot of cold and gloomy days recently. The energy in San Francisco is very different from the energy I'm used to in Phoenix: different in such a way that I feel disoriented and considerably more reserved. I'm hoping this changes when I make the permanent transition and stop bouncing back and forth between the two cities every few weeks. This is a brand new start for me, and it has occurred to me recently that although my time in the military has bounced me all over this big planet, I've never really made this sort of change. Military moves are made with a job in place, and a group of Marines to welcome you, no matter where you're coming from or going to. Such is definitely not the case for this transition from Phoenix to San Francisco.

I am anticipating a trip back to Germany for military duty from mid-March to the end of April. This means it's time to get back into tip-top shape!

Not What God Intended

2010-07-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today a friend of mine posted a video link on Facebook about happily married couples who choose to sleep in separate beds. I was surprised by the rather positive coverage of something so seemingly unconventional, which was a small breath of fresh air, given the typically one-sided and conservative coverage which seems to rule public press. I was, however, jolted into an annoyed state of reality by the singular comment following my friend's link: "Not what God intended."

The immediate trigger surprised me. Very few things really get me going, but I realized quickly that this was one of them. "How does this woman know what God intended?" I thought to myself. "And to whose God is she referring?!" The unspecified--yet clearly apparent--message this woman was proclaiming was that it is unnatural for happily married couples to sleep in separate beds. Allowing my inquisitive nature to get the best of me, I clicked on the link to her profile and became lost in the irony of the information she shared: she has been a surrogate three times for couples who couldn't have children. Although I will simply laugh, blog, and carry along on my merry way, I can't help but wonder: If God had intended for these couples to have children, wouldn't he have allowed that to happen naturally? I'll put my sarcasm back in my pocket now.

In-the-Closet Kink

2010-07-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

So maybe you're a little curious about spicing up your private life, and you don't know where to start. Rest assured, you don't have to spend thousands of dollars on fancy kinky equipment and accessories! In fact, with a little outside-the-box thinking, you can turn items that are already in your closet, pantry, or garage into fun toys for your private play time! Here is a list of some of my favorite already-in-the-closet kinky toys:

Paint brush comb: Sharp, hard, usually steel teeth that are good for scratching and poking; also great on scalp. You can find it in the paint section at your local Walmart or Home Depot.

Car wash mit/gloves: Soft, especially in microfiber; good for sensual body exploration. You can find it in the automotive section at your local Walmart or the car wash section at Home Depot.

Grill cleaning brushes: Sharp, stiff, brass wire bristles that are good for scratching and poking. The triangle head and extended arm are particularly useful (CBT, anyone?). You can find it in the grilling section at Home Depot.

Corn starch: Silky powder that adds great sensation when sifted onto bare skin.

Clothespins: My go-to toys for simple s/m play. They can be used on nipples, genitals, or any other exposed skin. Experiment with different sizes for varied pressure.

Scarves: This seems simple, and it is! Scarves can be used as blindfolds, wrist or ankle ties, or simply for their tactile sensation on skin.

Crock Pot: "Doesn't that belong in the kitchen?" you ask? Yes, but it also work well (on a low setting) for heating small, damp towels and having them nearby during sensual massage.

Saran wrap: Great for light bondage play, and it's easy to pull off or cut away.

With a little imagination, you can use just about anything to play, explore, and enjoy in new ways. Take a lap around your house to discover what else might work for you, and please feel free to share your discoveries!

Are You a Machine?

2010-01-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Look at the different facets of your life: your health, relationships, family, profession, personal growth; how are you perpetuating the insanity? Perhaps you’re comfortable in a relationship but feel like something’s missing; perhaps your body isn’t healing the way it’s designed to; perhaps your kids are driving you mad. Whatever it is, stop perpetuating the insanity and do something different! It’s time to step outside your comfort zone and take a risk! If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to keep getting what you’ve always got.

Horse of a Different Color

2009-08-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

My past is not so pretty, to say the least. I have been the evildoer, the heathen, the heartless tramp, the manipulating bitch…you get the point. At about age 21, my life crashed around me as a result of the selfish and hollow choices I had made along the way. Destroyed is an understatement, and in hindsight, the most positive thing that could’ve happened to me. I lost the people and things I thought I loved and medicated my way through the following 3.5 years; angry, scorned, jaded, lost, and cold; having unintentionally forfeited my career and chained a novel-like track record to my ankle. “A zebra never loses its stripes,” I remember them saying.

Today I had the worst TIME Line abreaction I’ve ever seen or experienced. I remember when I began doing TIME Techniques, and I could never see that silly line anywhere except directly in front of me: a linear representation of everything I have, do, and will experience. Today, my timeline formed a V with its vertex inside of me. “Unconscious mind, when was the first time you felt the need for approval in order to be a valuable person?” I saw myself at age 3, in a black void, holding a stuffed animal, alone… I cried harder than I’ve cried in a long time, because I wanted to reach down to her; because I wanted to save her from two decades of pain; because I realized that I was both my own worst enemy and savior.

“You are a child of God. Your spirit is clean. If others choose to judge you, it is because of their own insecurities. Empathize with them, for they are fighting their own battles. Although the road has been long, you have a pure heart. Know this, and know that this is all that matters. You have been given a new soul. Seek those who resonate with you now, and who see you as you are and not as you have been.” I held her and stroked her hair; rocked comfortingly for what seemed like an eternity before offering my hand into the future. She wanted to be 23, she said, so that’s where we went.

Maybe I was a zebra, or maybe I wasn’t. Either way, I know that I have no stripes. What I do have is contentment with who I have become; a more enlightened perspective on what life is really about and a genuine appreciation for the meaning of relationships. Sometimes, as I experienced today, I digress to a defensive position of justifying, negating, or explaining my past, and this, however well intentioned, is more destructive than simply allowing it to be just that—a past: a past with absolutely no bearing on my ability to live rightfully, consciously, and with purity of heart. I am not my past, and I am not your past; nor I am a person to be deconstructed into seemingly “apparent” patterns of behavior because they remind you of teachers, parents, ex-girlfriends, strangers, or friends from your past. The world is not so much of a mechanistic monster that true love becomes insignificant. It is only through the filters of fear, hurt, anger, resentment, and sadness that we force upon this goodness—that of infinitely perfect possibility—the cancer of our minds, thus crippling our own potential.

Cause and Effect

2009-01-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

If you noticed amazing coincidences start happening in your life after a behavior modification, would you attribute those coincidences to your change? I think most people would say "yes." If you start losing weight after joining the gym, you attribute your weight loss to exercise. If you start getting headaches while you're trying to quit smoking, you attribute your headaches to not having cigarettes. Heck, many people are excessive in linking cause and effect; they take the titles "over-thinker," "drama queen," or "overly analytical." This tendency is obvious in the American way: "If I work hard enough, I can achieve all my goals."

Sometimes we get sucked into the opposite mindset in which the lack of something is credited for a deficiency in another (e.g. "It's not my fault I can't [fill in the blank]"). By most accounts, this seems completely reasonable, right? "I have to work every day because I need money. Without money, I can't eat." Cause and effect.

We devote incredible amounts of time and money to making physical modifications in our lives, so why don't we do so with the mind? My hypotheses are that (1) some people simply don't understand the genuine (read: scientific and metaphysical) power of the mind; (2) aren't patient enough to wait for a measurable change; or (3) aren't willing to take responsibility for their thoughts and/or actions. This is equivalent to the ridiculousness of saying, "I don't believe eating so much is making me fat!," "I've been running every day this week, and I haven't lost a pound!," and "Everyone in my family is fat, so I'm going to be fat no matter what I do," (respectively, to 1, 2, and 3 above).

I recognize the old phrase "old habits die hard" holds some truth, too! I'm not a super-human being (at least not yet!), and I'll be the first to admit that I have struggled with overcoming physical and mental limiters in my life. But a funny thing started happening when I committed myself to making conscious mental changes: I started noticing real effects! Now, those old habits? Easy to change. The truth is, the "amazing coincidences" I started noticing are not coincidences at all. They're "The Universe," "God," "The Divine," "Spirit," "Mother Nature," "The Matrix," "Allah," "Buddha," whatever or whomever you want to call it, working for me, and the same can happen for you. Cause and effect.

Fiending

2008-02-13T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm experiencing feend-like tendencies much more than I have in I-don't-know-how-long...for a person, not a food, substance, or whatever else it is that people feend for. It's healthy, trust me. Some people come into your life with architected ingress and egress routes; they come to teach you something, then go away. It's healthy. Others, I think, are meant to be battle buddies; they're the ones with whom you share core values and characteristics, so you compliment each other in ways others can't. That's healthy too. 90% of the time, though, we get the two confused--or, more accurately--believe Type 2's are Type 1's until a crisis finally changes our mind. Wouldn't it be great if there was a magic formula to decipher the 1's from 2's?! Yeah, well, I'm working on it. So far, I've discovered this much: 1) Follow your instinct (or as Joseph Campbell says, "follow your bliss"); your unconscious mind knows many, many things your conscious mind doesn't, and this world would be a lot better off if more people were in touch with their emotional intelligence, inner selves, and/or centers of joy. 2) Transform the energy you use to over-think things into action to do things. Life takes work. Relationships take work. Work is not inherently bad! But if you're always working on over-analyzing your feelings, you're missing the opportunity to take meaningful, responsible, and rewarding action. Your heart and mind are connected, but you have to let them perform their autonomous jobs first; the holistic approach comes after recognizing their roles. 3) Then, of course, there's the mystical element of change, which is really not so mystical at all. Life is in constant motion; quantum physicists explain that it's not even so much "motion" as a potential to exist with motion. What difference does that make to the person who's trying to make sense of something in his/her life? The importance of understanding that life is constantly changing, so you have to embrace change and learn how to make it work for you--not against you--in order to grow. The joy of being with a Type 2 is that you get to grow together and learn from each other.